Lookin’…uh… Good for the Holidays!

I want to look good for the holidays – you know – for all those parties and family get-togethers. Well, I’ll have to check my social calendar, but anyway, why wear a glittery, stunning outfit if your glasses are out of style? So, for starters, in preparation for the Holidays and the upcoming New Year, I decided to get a new pair of glasses.

Mind you, I’ve been happy with my rimless, high-index, progressive bifocal, transition-lense glasses that I’ve worn the past three years. It’s risky springing for a new pair — they are so expensive, and it’s tricky fixing all those vision problems — you’d better get it right! With model images like this floating in my brain, I decided to go ‘trendy.’

Not too trendy, mind you. Trendy above the eyes, rimless on the bottom, is what I ended up with. I tried my new glasses on. “How do you like them?” the technician asked.

Well, to be honest, I liked the glasses. It was my face that was a shocker.photo(25) Suddenly all my sags and wrinkles glared at me in high definition – the crows feet at the end of my eyes were etched in 3D! Geez, give me back my old face through my old glasses! Okay. So my up-close vision corrected through my old glasses had blurred. I liked it that way! This is gonna take some doing, getting used to, uh … the coming of old-aged me.

Back home in my new glasses I was staring into the kitchen mirror. I slid my hands to my face where they rested in front of both ears. Then I pressed my hands against the edges of my face and pulled the skin back toward my scalp on both sides. Face lift! That’s what I need! That would pull all those crevices and wrinkles out! Then I could pull off this trendy look!

Moments later I was reading the local paper and stumbled on this add, surely planted for my eyes by Divine providence! It was here to comfort me in my time of grief, to offer me hope and … redemption! Get me focused on solutions! Holy Shit! Where to start? scan0006

Breast augmentation? Well, yeah, like, triple implants thirty-five years ago, maybe, since at my age now my breasts aren’t even sagging, being so tiny as to defy the effects of gravity. Body contouring? What is that? I could go for a two-hour body massage. Liposuction? Yeah, if they could suck off my two extra chins and blow them into my breasts. Juvaderm? Probably could help even if I just said the word, ‘juvaderm,’ slowly and meditatively to my skin over and over… Cosmetic surgery? Obviously, somewhere. Latisse? Is glue involved here? Been there, done that, once. Eyelash implants? Ouch! Eyelash extensions? Face lift? YES. With a 15-year warranty – what about my neck? Radiesse? Based on the ‘actual patient’ in the link, I’d say I’m 30 years too old for this wrinkle reduction treatment to be successful, in that I actually do have wrinkles. Reconstructive surgery? On my hair, for sure. Botox? Are you referring to my anger issues here? Immobilizing my face won’t make them go away. Tummy tuck? You can tuck my thick, gelatinous tummy into bed, anytime, honey. Lastly, Reconstructive hand surgery? Huh? Why reconstructive hand surgery?

photo(26)

Am I a candidate for reconstructive hand surgery?

Are we talking hand deformity caused by years of wrangling kids, and now grand kids, into proper behavior? Hand deformity caused by long-term exposure to toxic cleansers through endless housekeeping? Or, perhaps … hand deformity caused by an unusually large, unsightly … age spot?

As for lookin’ good for the Holidays, well, updating my glasses was a start. Why not go trendy! As it turns out, my glasses do look trendy. I just look through them. Any transformation I experience toward trendiness or beauty is obviously going to be more of an inside job.

Now I just gotta get me some sparkly Holiday outfits. Oh, and some dates on my social calendar.

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