Trends in footwear

Trend alert! What will you be wearing on your feet this summer? Okay, so you’ve dragged out and assessed your last year’s summer shoe assortment. How dreary is it? Any of them downright smelly? Let me guess … Some shoes never did fit right, or were clunky, or impractical, or were just something, because you never wore them. Are you gonna get rid of a few pairs? Buy some new replacements for the new summer you?

When walking the mall, shopping for shoes, you might want to be mindful of, um, how much your thighs are jiggling underneath your shorts and whether you should spring for a pair of FitFlops. Because, hey! They tone and tighten your legs with every step! And they have eye-catching details like sequins and patent leather. Shop to it!

Then there’s these OKA b. shoes and sandals that were suggested in Parade Magazine as a gift for Mother’s Day. They are antimicrobial, (Really? Is that possible with anything outside of a bubble?) slip-resistant (pertinent if you wear one), and recyclable (As wall insulation?). Okay so they are made of poly vinyl chloride – which is made from salt and fossil fuel, which, well, we have plenty of that floating around now don’t we? Anyway, Soothing massage beads comfort your feet with every step. (Now your feet jiggle too?) And they’re washable – you can wash most styles on the top rack in the dishwasher. (Next to the glasses. Except then you might not want to use the glasses.)

Additionally, to avoid becoming a total fitness flop, you might consider the Skecher’s shape-ups for women and men. And let them work their magic – all you do is put them on and, well, walk, I suppose. They purportedly improve posture, strengthen the back, firm the buttocks muscles, tone and firm the thigh muscles, firm the calf muscles, improve blood circulation, tighten abdominal muscles, reduce knee joint stress, smooth out neck wrinkles, and eliminate multiple chins. Okay so I added the bit about the neck wrinkles and chins. What would be the point of toning all that other stuff when mostly what I look at in the mirror is my sagging face, excess chin(s) and crinkly neck? These shape-ups are all well and good, but is there some contraption I can wear on my head to produce a face lift while I watch, say, an instant download from Netflix?

Another shoe option would be one of the fine selections from Merrell. They’re super feet-friendly, and come in unique styles. You can actually walk reasonable distances in them, from my experience. That’s why when I found a pair in my size at a super sale price last winter I snatched it up. I was sure I’d be wearing them come spring. Here you see them:

The beauty of these shoes is that when you put them on they compel you to go bowling – Great! – because bowling involves exercise! Except, I don’t bowl. Even if these shoes do save me a few bucks shoe-rental fee at the bowling alley, I believe I will never advance ten feet beyond my bedroom with them on. They ruin your posture as you walk in them, staring at your feet. I think I’ve pinpointed the ‘something’ that keeps me from wearing these shoes. It’s called “extreme ugliness.” Even my inner 15-year-old has branded them butt ugly.

That about wraps up my blog on trends in footwear. Oh, except I do have a pair of slippers that might interest you. The beauty of these lies in their facility for multitasking. You can accomplish so many things at once while wearing them:

First, you have to curl your toes to keep them on, which strengthens your feet and stretches your heel cords. Second, you can glide them along smooth floor surfaces to exercise your legs and improve balance, while trapping dust bunnies. And thirdly, and most importantly, at the same time you are exercising and cleaning the house, you can yak on your cell phone to your heart’s content – to your BFF, or sister, or whomever you like.

If and when you soil the dust mops on the bottoms you can just rip them off and toss them in the wash. This builds hand strength and works the tendons and muscles up to you armpits.

So what are you waiting for? Shop it up.

Work it out. Buy a pair shape-ups. Or FitFlops. Or footsie dust mops.

Or wear stilettos. Keeping upright on them is a whole body experience.

Me? I’m going to chase after dust bunnies in those slipper genies when I’m at home. And keep my cell phone charged.

And I might take up bowling. Either that, or get rid of those Merrell’s.

Try to keep myself from becoming an unfit fop.

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One Response to “Trends in footwear”

  1. Rene Says:

    Very funny. I appreciated the laugh! PS I can’t believe you bought those shoes!

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