The Decompression of a Boomer

So I get back from Kauai, back into my winter wardrobe, and, uh, my thighs and butt … and waist and crotch … are not happy inside my jeans.

Allphgh!…

During that ten day vacation in Kauai I obviously put on a few pounds. Four pounds? Five? Dang it! As if facing at least 8 more weeks of winter weather doesn’t offer enough post-vacation angst, now I can only get into two pairs of the eight or so pairs of jeans hanging in my closet. – The second pair, when I put them on, I have to do 20 squats in several directions before I can move in them, and can only hope for ‘comfortable’ by the third day of fasting and wear.

Shop for new jeans! That’s what I’ll do! But I’ll be smart about it this time and research the latest styles/trends in jeans on the internet, before I buy anything.

Uh, check this out! A ‘Good Housekeeping’ site gushing with ‘Timeless Beauty Secrets’:

jeans-for-body-type?click=main_sr#slide-1

And practical advice. Find the best jeans for your body type!

Because, be honest here, how many pairs of jeans do you have stuffed in your closet and dresser drawers that you haven’t worn in, uh, – you can’t even remember the last time you wore them – because every pair possesses some quality that renders it ‘off’, out of style, ill fitting, dorky, or just … something?

For starters, say your body is a pear shape. If you’ve had jeans that were too tight, too tapered and ‘tucked into chunky clunky boots” (per article above) then you should opt for the contour cut – which is higher in the back. Also spring for tone on tone stitching that creates a long lean line (and per example of the very slightly pear shaped model displaying ‘Jeans by Cookie Johnson,’ carry a large tote bag).

Say your behind is ‘flat as a board” and you want a cute booty. Or you have wide hips. You end up wearing low-slung styles to fit your hips and, frankly, “you are sick of flashing cheek cleavage.” (I’m telling you, this article nails the facts.) With thick thighs your jeans are ‘sausage-casing snug’ with “lots of unsightly creasing at the crotch.”

Yeah, unsightly creasing at the crotch. My crotch has been creasing unsightly ever since our return home from Paradise.

You have a ‘curvy caboose?” CAUTION! “Pockets spaced far apart broaden any butt.”

‘Mushy middle?’ Read all about it! “Unflattering Super-Skinny Cut Creates Major Muffin-Top Trouble.”

On a quest now for new jeans, I head to the mall. Hmmm… butts do seem to be the thing this year. Check out these latest fashion faves:

Sparkly butts are clearly the thing

The more bling, glitter, and swirls on the pockets the better!

Dillards gives shoppers a special look at blingy fashion jeans for women

on a ‘flat butted’ mannequin? Not a cute booty with these jeans on! Pockets too low here? Too wide? Too far apart? Come on, Dillards. Can’t you offer something more inspiring than this?

Yeah, yeah. Nice try. All women know what size we really are and that size twelve is the new size 8.

I did snatch up these ‘pajama’ jeans, with spandex.

When I put them on, I realized it’s the long blonde hair extensions that make the look. The pants snag my hips on the way up, but once I have them on they stretch and stretch and stretch along with my expanding gelatinous belly as I slouch in our couch at home wolfing down popcorn and Ghirardelli Chocolates in front of the TV.

Honestly, I can’t quite yet bring myself to spring for a pair of the latest trendy glittery-butt jeans. Because then I’d have to find a matching pair of glitzy trendy shoes to wear with them. There are about a million choices in stores today, all of them clones to these:

Yeah, well maybe all of this ‘best jeans for your body type’ is just a bunch of hooey. Does anyone ever think about their body type when buying jeans? Don’t we just pull them on and if we can fasten them while sucking our intestines into softball size while standing in front of a mirror and if for those few seconds we can still breathe and the jeans seem like they fit, why that settles it – we’ll buy ’em. Why complicate the process?

This is where my thoughts were going on the subject, anyway. That is, until last Tuesday when I was sitting in a doctor’s waiting room and another patient arrived. She stood for five minutes talking to the receptionist. To say she ‘jarred’ my memory about the Good Housekeeping Article on jeans for your body type would be a gross understatement

“gross’ being the operative word here. Here you get to see, my dear reader, a live, very chatty, obtuse human being demonstrating in fullest measure what happens when you spring for low-slung style jeans to fit your hips and flash your cheek cleavage. The article didn’t say anything about full moons. And it left out some additional advice: after you’ve tried on your jeans, go stand in one of those five way mirrors, loosen your belt, maybe do a couple squats, and then scope out your butt cleavage. Would glitter, beads, guilded medallions or sparkly swirls have made this scene any easier to bear?

Tags: Good Housekeeping "The Best Jeans For Your Body Type", the latest trends in jean fashions

This entry was posted on April 1, 2012 at 5:46 am and is filed under Big 'N' Nasty, Fashion. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.