Archive for the ‘Big ‘N’ Nasty’ Category

Gotta Get Me Some of That! Uh, Maybe Not…

April 1, 2012

So I get back from Kauai, back into my winter wardrobe, and, uh, my thighs and butt … and waist and crotch … are not happy inside my jeans.


During that ten day vacation in Kauai I obviously put on a few pounds. Four pounds? Five? Dang it! As if facing at least 8 more weeks of winter weather doesn’t offer enough post-vacation angst, now I can only get into two pairs of the eight or so pairs of jeans hanging in my closet. – The second pair, when I put them on, I have to do 20 squats in several directions before I can move in them, and can only hope for ‘comfortable’ by the third day of fasting and wear.

Shop for new jeans! That’s what I’ll do! But I’ll be smart about it this time and research the latest styles/trends in jeans on the internet, before I buy anything.

Uh, check this out! A ‘Good Housekeeping’ site gushing with ‘Timeless Beauty Secrets’:


And practical advice. Find the best jeans for your body type!

Because, be honest here, how many pairs of jeans do you have stuffed in your closet and dresser drawers that you haven’t worn in, uh, – you can’t even remember the last time you wore them – because every pair possesses some quality that renders it ‘off’, out of style, ill fitting, dorky, or just … something?

For starters, say your body is a pear shape. If you’ve had jeans that were too tight, too tapered and ‘tucked into chunky clunky boots” (per article above) then you should opt for the contour cut – which is higher in the back. Also spring for tone on tone stitching that creates a long lean line (and per example of the very slightly pear shaped model displaying ‘Jeans by Cookie Johnson,’ carry a large tote bag).

Say your behind is ‘flat as a board” and you want a cute booty. Or you have wide hips. You end up wearing low-slung styles to fit your hips and, frankly, “you are sick of flashing cheek cleavage.” (I’m telling you, this article nails the facts.) With thick thighs your jeans are ‘sausage-casing snug’ with “lots of unsightly creasing at the crotch.”

Yeah, unsightly creasing at the crotch. My crotch has been creasing unsightly ever since our return home from Paradise.

You have a ‘curvy caboose?” CAUTION! “Pockets spaced far apart broaden any butt.”

‘Mushy middle?’ Read all about it! “Unflattering Super-Skinny Cut Creates Major Muffin-Top Trouble.”

On a quest now for new jeans, I head to the mall. Hmmm… butts do seem to be the thing this year. Check out these latest fashion faves:

Sparkly butts are clearly the thing

The more bling, glitter, and swirls on the pockets the better!

Dillards gives shoppers a special look at blingy fashion jeans for women

on a ‘flat butted’ mannequin? Not a cute booty with these jeans on! Pockets too low here? Too wide? Too far apart? Come on, Dillards. Can’t you offer something more inspiring than this?

Yeah, yeah. Nice try. All women know what size we really are and that size twelve is the new size 8.

I did snatch up these ‘pajama’ jeans, with spandex.

When I put them on, I realized it’s the long blonde hair extensions that make the look. The pants snag my hips on the way up, but once I have them on they stretch and stretch and stretch along with my expanding gelatinous belly as I slouch in our couch at home wolfing down popcorn and Ghirardelli Chocolates in front of the TV.

Honestly, I can’t quite yet bring myself to spring for a pair of the latest trendy glittery-butt jeans. Because then I’d have to find a matching pair of glitzy trendy shoes to wear with them. There are about a million choices in stores today, all of them clones to these:

Yeah, well maybe all of this ‘best jeans for your body type’ is just a bunch of hooey. Does anyone ever think about their body type when buying jeans? Don’t we just pull them on and if we can fasten them while sucking our intestines into softball size while standing in front of a mirror and if for those few seconds we can still breathe and the jeans seem like they fit, why that settles it – we’ll buy ’em. Why complicate the process?

This is where my thoughts were going on the subject, anyway. That is, until last Tuesday when I was sitting in a doctor’s waiting room and another patient arrived. She stood for five minutes talking to the receptionist. To say she ‘jarred’ my memory about the Good Housekeeping Article on jeans for your body type would be a gross understatement

“gross’ being the operative word here. Here you get to see, my dear reader, a live, very chatty, obtuse human being demonstrating in fullest measure what happens when you spring for low-slung style jeans to fit your hips and flash your cheek cleavage. The article didn’t say anything about full moons. And it left out some additional advice: after you’ve tried on your jeans, go stand in one of those five way mirrors, loosen your belt, maybe do a couple squats, and then scope out your butt cleavage. Would glitter, beads, guilded medallions or sparkly swirls have made this scene any easier to bear?

Smell No Evil?

March 11, 2012

I had this strange thing happen to me this week, and it may all be in my head, but here’s the story: I went to a Goodwill store on Wednesday. They had lots of used books – for a buck or two – and two books caught my eye. One was an old favorite of mine – I must have read it 30 years ago, The Road Less Traveled, by M. Scott Peck, MD, and the other was the sequel to that book, People of the Lie – The Hope for Healing Human Evil which, maybe I’d hadn’t read. I bought them both.

I started reading People of the Lie the next day, but noticed it had a strange, musty and dusty smell. While I was reading I rubbed the corner of my eye with the tip of my finger and suddenly my eye started itching profusely and the itch wouldn’t go away. I read the book in bed before going to sleep that night, but was awoken in the middle of the night with my eye itching again, along with a major nose itch, you know, the hard-rubbing, deep-massage-to-assuage kind of nose itch. I noticed the book on the bedside and thought of the weird smell (which I thought I was still smelling).

Well, this is going to gross you out (sorry!), but the next thing, I get this thought (yes, at 3 AM): What if that book had come from some HOARDERS – what if it had been sitting in a pile, amidst a ceiling-high pile, in a filthy house, for years, perhaps, and it was contaminated with – God knows what. Mold spores! – for starters.

When I got up the next morning, I swear, I had a full-fledged allergy attack – sneezing like crazy and then my lungs started burning. I kept thinking about those HOARDERS who maybe died or something, or had an intervention through their family who donated their shit to this thrift store (isn’t that what the families do?). I don’t know whether my lung, nose, and eye issues might actually have been brought on by the thought of the whole thing, or what … but I am so grossed out!!!

In this book Dr. Peck (a psychiatrist) tries to define ‘human evil’- how you might (if you’re lucky, and preferably professionally trained in the field of psychology) recognize an ‘evil’ person. He talks about ‘malignant narcissism’ which, well, is decidedly more interesting to read about than, say, How to Clean Everything (which was another book for sale at the thrift store). – Well anyway, at this juncture I think I know how to recognize an evil book!

Whatever. I just can’t get the image of the whole ‘HOARDER’ mess out of my mind, but I wouldn’t mind finishing the book, I’m finding it totally fascinating and well-written!

I wore a sweatshirt with a hood this morning, clumping the hood into a wad and shoving it up against my nose, to read the book over my morning coffee. My husband entered the kitchen and chuckled at me – “Why don’t you throw that book away and get it at the library?”

He had a point. The sweatshirt covered my nose so well that I was mostly breathing through my mouth. I did a lung check. Yep, they still hurt a little. I was still sneezing and couldn’t avoid the … dust? Smell? H&#$%ERS?

I went to the library. YES! They had People of the Lie – uh… crap! It’s checked out!

I’m on page 173.

Here’s a picture of the book:

Looks innocent enough, eh? Yeah.

Let me know and you can have the book. It’s riveting. If you’re interested in the study of evil. Sort of hits you right in the face (and beyond).

Maybe just don’t breathe while you’re reading it.

I read 30 more pages in the book today. And my lungs kinda hurt. I’m honestly worried that I’ve contracted some kind of lung fungus.

Whatdoyathink? Should my appointment be with a lung specialist or a psychiatrist?

The ‘Big ‘N’ Nasty’

April 1, 2009

I don’t go to McDonald’s much. The only time I go is with my daughter, usually for lunch. We used to go there regularly, on Saturdays or when she had a day off school. She graduated from High School in 2008. I noticed we had stopped going to McDonald’s after she graduated. When given a choice she would likely choose Burger King or Subway. I asked her about that the other day. She said, “I stopped going after I saw Supersize Me five times in High School.” (The documentary by Morgan Spurlock, who ate nothing but McDonald’s for 30 days and gained 30 pounds.) “How is it you saw it five times?” I inquired. She explained that she had seen it in her Health class, P.E. class, the Cooking class, her Language Arts class, and then once more, maybe again in P.E. Well they surely got the message across, didn’t they! Maybe the school administrators or teachers figured if they showed it that many times they could eventually reach every student with the message, including all the incessantly truant kids, likely hanging out at McDonald’s.

Well anyway, this past Saturday we ended up at McDonald’s ordering lunch – my daughter, her girlfriend, and I. They both knew what they wanted. I gazed up at the colorful, neon-lit menu sprawled along the ceiling behind the cashier and was first thinking I could pass on food, but no, I was pretty hungry, maybe I could find a hamburger equivalent to a Burger King ‘Whopper.’ I was craning my neck, scanning the menu – I didn’t want a ‘meal’, where WERE the plain hamburgers? Oh, there’s something new… a ‘Big ‘N’ – What?’ I heard the girls order – “I’ll have a chicken ranch salad, with water, oh, and I want to buy a Happy Meal toy” said one. “I’ll have a hamburger, ketchup only, and a coke, make that a small coke!” said the other. The shy, handsome, dark-haired, strapping male taking our order looked to be about 20, the same age as my daughter. He turned and looked at me to take my order. Pressure! What to get? “There!” I declared, doing a little sword-dance in the air around his head with my index finger, “I’ll take a ‘Big ‘N” Nasty!'”

Now I knew that didn’t sound right, and I noticed the cashier was standing there expressionless as a post. My daughter was tapping me on my upper arm, saying, “Mom!”

“Oh my!” I corrected myself, my eyes still groping at the menu. “I mean, uh, I’ll have a ‘Big ‘N’ Tasty!'”

I’ve also had a problem lately with newspaper headlines. Well, more of a problem than usual. Of course, some days it’s just better not to look at the headlines, read the news, it’s so bleak. So maybe my brain just wants me to lighten up with my worries over the near-sunk economy, greedy and crooked CEO’s, two seemingly hopeless wars, volcanic eruptions and other random catastrophic acts of nature, and the fact that seven states have now seen the topless rate jump above ten per cent. Oh, wait a minute – topless? No … jobless!

The other morning, while reading the paper at the kitchen table, I had a particularly difficult time getting the headlines straight. Maybe I was overly-distracted by the glob of hardened jam I had run into with my left elbow, which, if I didn’t rise immediately to wipe up, would undoubtedly end up trapping the paper and, with any subsequent move, ripping a strip out of a back page feature article. Or maybe I just wanted to ‘throw a goat’s eye’ (a Swedish expression) on the headlines, so to speak, so I could imagine “Thousands Freeing Fargo Floods.” (Hey, that would be their prerogative given all those strident miles-long sandbagging efforts to trap the flood in the first place.) I found myself pondering the headline, “Japan Prepares for Rocket Lunch,” and the positive possibilities this could hold for the fast food industry. Another headline resonated, “FAA Aims to Keep Mom on Bird Strikes.” Excellent strategy!

I discovered later, watching the evening news with my husband, that trying to comprehend all that stuff coming out of Charlie Gibson’s mouth interferes with my thinking about things – like the rising topless rate and the flood in Fargo being set free. Wouldn’t that be great to order lunch at your favorite restaurant to be launched by rocket to your office or front door? I’m a mom. I bet I could help the FAA solve their problems with bird strikes – or are they really just going to keep mum about it?

And I’m also wondering if I should tell the folks at McDonald’s that the only thing they could truly offer for lunch that might possibly satisfy me is a ‘Big ‘N’ Nasty.’ Hey! I’m 55. I’m a mom. And I know my shit.